Nearly eight years ago, we had a miscarriage at about 8 weeks into the pregnancy. I went to the hospital with some bleeding on the first day of the Festival of Unleavened Bread that week. The doctors said everything was fine and this was normal.
A few days later, the bleeding became worse and big clots started coming out. I tried to rest as much as I could but nothing could stop what was happening. The next day was a Sabbath and when we saw flesh in the clots, we immediately went to the hospital, where they confirmed a miscarriage was happening.
I was crushed and confused. Why me? Why us?
I still don’t have the answers and a few months later we became pregnant with our first born son who is totally amazing to me!
But the grief that I went through for a long time was hard then and sometimes is still even hard now. There was a painting that someone created years ago of the Messiah carrying a black woman in His arms walking on the beach-that was me for several months after the miscarriage.
I felt like I was barely able to breathe, let alone function. I tried to hold myself together because we had three daughters who needed me, so I would get up in the morning, with every intent on doing one of my exercise videos, but within a few minutes, I’d end up on the floor in quiet tears.
I know that it was only YAHUAH’s hand on me that kept me from losing my mind. I felt like my heart had just been ripped away from me. I had doubts and fears. I wanted to blame YAHUAH, blame myself, blame anything I could think of. I felt like I was on the verge of breaking down, but YAHUAH kept me.
In a desperate search for help, I found March of Dimes web page about Miscarriages and I signed up to receive a package in the mail about grief. This was so helpful for me. It helped me to understand that my husband and I grieve differently and I didn’t need to be upset with him because of that. It helped me to see that we were not alone-that others have went through miscarriages too.
One moment at a time, one step at a time, I walked through that grief. Some days were good and some were bad. Having a husband and three daughters to homeschool and take care of everyday, pushed me to get out of bed, to go outside, and to find a moment to smile. Years later, I still feel that grief some days and the Festival of Unleavened Bread is a constant reminder of it. Yet, I am not at the same place I was eight years ago.
So I want you to know today, that you are not alone if you have went through or are going through a miscarriage. YAHUAH is there with you. Whether you have family near or far, have friends or not, don’t let go of YAHUAH’s hand. Though you may not see a way through your grief, let Him carry you through your grief. Don’t fight the grief you feel. Don’t stay in it either, but live through it.
May YAHUAH comfort you in His everlasting arms.